Domestic Violence - Seeing the Signs

An article in the New York Times today reports that a man from Queens is being sought in the shooting death of his girlfriend.  The article can be found here.

Sadly, this story is a historically familiar one.  A man, most likely suffering from some undiagnosed mental health illness, becomes increasingly jealous, whether of real or perceived threats to his relationship with a woman.  His jealously becomes so consuming that he begins to act differently. Hostile.  Unpredictable.  Angry.  Accusatory.

And yet.  Just days before she was shot and killed the victim in today's story expressed no concerns for her own safety.  Indeed, in 20 years of practicing in the Family Courts, I have frequently encountered women who have expressed little to no concern for their safety even after they have been victims of serious domestic violence.  To be sure, many suffer from battered woman's syndrome.

However, just as many fail to appreciate or understand that there is help everywhere.  The Family Court was designed to aid victims of domestic violence by issuing orders of protection that can be crafted to direct abusers from remaining away from the victim.  There are domestic violence shelters all throughout the city.  For example, an organization called Safe Horizons helps hundreds of victims of domestic violence each year and assists them in finding appropriate shelters.

Unfortunately, many victims of domestic violence have told me things such as "It was just a slap" or "I wasn't like I was bruised or bleeding."  This is a dangerous slope because, in truth, once an abuser manifests the intention to act out his or her aggression, a threshold has been permanently crossed and rarely, if ever, is that the last time they will act out in that fashion, the fervent hopes of the victims notwithstanding.

That is not to say, of course, that the abusers cannot be helped.  There are plenty of options for them to seek help as well.  For example, the Forestdale Father's Initiative offers wonderful programs to address the abusers' side of domestic violence.

Finally, it is worth pointing out that there are as many kinds of victims of domestic violence as there are abusers.  I have simply tailored this post to the most common scenario where a woman is being abused by a man.  But the reverse happens surprisingly often and there are also same sex couples who experience the ills of domestic violence.  Whatever the configuration of your family, ignoring or minimizing the problem will not help.  Seek the aid of an attorney qualified to work in the family court.  Or, if that step seems too daunting, contact your local precinct.

Bound to a Loveless Marriage

It is hard for many of us to imagine that in the 21st century, there are still people who through religion, cultural, social or familial issues feel they have no choice but to stay in a marriage.  There is an interesting story today in the New York Times, and one that I have literally heard firsthand from numerous members of the Orthodox Jewish community.  The story can be found here.  It is a story about, among other things, the way a woman in the Orthodox Jewish community found her way into a marriage without really knowing the man she was marrying and finding great difficulty trying to extricate herself from that relationship.  Sadly, this is not a story unique to Orthodox Jews.  Women in particular, but sometimes men, have reported feeling obligated to remain in marriages or relationships because of the pressure being brought to bear on them by pastors, ministers, rabbis, etc.  Just as often, however, the pressure comes from parents, friends and others in our social circles.  Make no mistake, the pressures these people feel is both tangible and sometimes crushing. 

It is often helpful to these people to find someone outside of these networks or circles of influence to speak to.  It may be a friend, a therapist, or even an attorney. 

Of course, there are many reasons people choose to stay in loveless marriages/relationships: convenience, children, economics, etc.  But when these relationships veer into abusive behavior, it is during these times that the pressures, wherever they are coming from, become unbearable.  What's more, the abuse adds a whole new dimension of emotional trauma which can complicate the situation even more.

If you or someone you know finds themselves in such a situation, it is critically important that outside help be sought.  A therapist can offer a tremendous amount of support, both emotional and by way of referrals to agencies or individuals that can offer other types of assistance.  Attorneys too can help show people who feel trapped in these situations a way out.  At the very least, they can provide them with invaluable information about what their rights and options are.  Often, as with my office, these consultations cost nothing more than your time.  But it is time well spent. 

You can also click here for help in reaching many New York State Domestic Violence Hotlines. 

In short, there are many, many options for people stuck in relationships or marriages whether the reason is social stigma, domestic violence or any of the countless reasons in between.  But there is no reason to suffer through these emotionally trying situations alone.