No matter how long I spend in Family Court, I have never grown accustomed or indifferent to the idea of a child being separated from his or her family. And yet, each child's experience with this wrenching reality is different. Take, for example, the story of one girl who is having trouble adjusting to foster care. The video can be seen here. It is a remarkable story of the inner workings of a mind of a child going through this momentous ordeal.
At the end of the day, it is almost inconceivable to imagine the pain, guilt, confusion, frustration and heartbreak that confront these children. But on top of all that is the death blow to a child's sense of self worth that can sometimes be too much to bear.
I urge all of you to take the time to watch the video and get a glimpse into the mind and heart of a child facing the prospect of foster care.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
Jail Is No Place for Kids
In an article that appeared in the New York Times today, which can be found here, we are once again reminded about how the juvenile justice system both in New York and around the country is ill suited to address the needs of children. This is why many states have begun to embrace the notion that detention for children does not have the goal of punishment as its primary goal. Rather, rehabilitation, education and treatment are becoming and should remain the states' top priorities when addressing young people whose behaviors have put them at risk of long term detention.
When a court is faced with a decision as to whether or not to incarcerate a youth, the governing standard is the "least restrictive alternative" which meets the needs of both the youth and the community. However, up until recent years, when it was fairly convincingly shown that the juvenile justice facilities throughout the State were doing more harm than good, judges often gave little more than lip service to that notion. That is starting to change.
If you are a parent of a child who is facing incarceration, it is incumbent upon you, with the help of your child's attorney, to identify what your child's needs are and to actively seek out community based agencies, mental health providers, after school programs, etc., that are designed to meet those needs. Coming to court prepared with a plan is a vital step to preventing your child from becoming yet another statistic, lost in the bowels of a dysfunctional system.
When a court is faced with a decision as to whether or not to incarcerate a youth, the governing standard is the "least restrictive alternative" which meets the needs of both the youth and the community. However, up until recent years, when it was fairly convincingly shown that the juvenile justice facilities throughout the State were doing more harm than good, judges often gave little more than lip service to that notion. That is starting to change.
If you are a parent of a child who is facing incarceration, it is incumbent upon you, with the help of your child's attorney, to identify what your child's needs are and to actively seek out community based agencies, mental health providers, after school programs, etc., that are designed to meet those needs. Coming to court prepared with a plan is a vital step to preventing your child from becoming yet another statistic, lost in the bowels of a dysfunctional system.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Believing Too Late
Both in and out of Family Court, women seeking orders of protection are too often confronted with skepticism. By all who encounter them, police officers, judges, and sometimes even those charged to advocate for them, battered women often have to deal with people who simply cannot accept that they were abused, or that there is "another side to the story". Such was a case that just ended in New York where the abuser, Jason Bohn, was just sentenced to life in prison for the killing of his girlfriend, Danielle Thomas. The full story can be seen here.
In Ms. Thomas' case, she already had an order of protection. Moreover, she had played a recording for the police in which Mr. Bohn had threatened her with even more serious injuries even after the order of protection was issued. And yet, steps were not taken which may have prevented this tragedy.
It is certainly true that a number of people try to game the system by making false allegations of domestic violence to enable them to become eligible for a number of different city services, including housing. But as advocates, it is always better to accept the allegations of victims as true, until we are convinced otherwise, if, for no other reason, than to prevent yet another tragedy of this magnitude.
In Ms. Thomas' case, she already had an order of protection. Moreover, she had played a recording for the police in which Mr. Bohn had threatened her with even more serious injuries even after the order of protection was issued. And yet, steps were not taken which may have prevented this tragedy.
It is certainly true that a number of people try to game the system by making false allegations of domestic violence to enable them to become eligible for a number of different city services, including housing. But as advocates, it is always better to accept the allegations of victims as true, until we are convinced otherwise, if, for no other reason, than to prevent yet another tragedy of this magnitude.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Are Parents Becoming Irrelevant?
An interesting article appeared in the New York Times in which a study found that the value of parental assistance with a child's educational success was deemed to be nominal at best, harmful at worst. The full article can be found here.
What is interesting about this is that many of the children I have represented over the years have complained bitterly about the lack of involvement that a parent has shown them over the years. Which is to suggest that while a parent may not have any tangible benefit on a child's school performance, there is an inherent value in the time parents and children spend together. That value may not be measured in grades or college admissions, but in a sense of belonging, love, respect and empathy.
We may not be able to drag our kids to the threshold of success, but we can at least accompany them on whatever path they take and find ourselves better off for the journey.
What is interesting about this is that many of the children I have represented over the years have complained bitterly about the lack of involvement that a parent has shown them over the years. Which is to suggest that while a parent may not have any tangible benefit on a child's school performance, there is an inherent value in the time parents and children spend together. That value may not be measured in grades or college admissions, but in a sense of belonging, love, respect and empathy.
We may not be able to drag our kids to the threshold of success, but we can at least accompany them on whatever path they take and find ourselves better off for the journey.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The Depth of Suffering
Very few who have spent any amount of time in Family Court would debate the idea that it is a place of tremendous suffering. There is scarcely any type of case that is handled there that does not have as its genesis some form of profound suffering. Child abuse and neglect, termination of parental rights, juvenile delinquency, custody and visitation, orders of protection and even child support cases rightly invoke the images of a family that has been fractured and that the familiar places to which we instinctively retreat for safety, our homes, have been torn asunder. In this void, suffering steps in and can overwhelm us. It lays bare deep personal and emotional wounds that, unfortunately, may never heal.
David Brooks, a columnist for the New York Times, has crafted a beautiful essay that explores the purpose and result of suffering. The article can be found here. Mr. Brooks poses the question we have all considered at times in our lives which is: what is the point of my suffering.
Sadly, much of the suffering endured in the Family Court is self-inflicted. Parents who have come to despise one another inflict lifelong wounds on their children by continuing a battle for custody. Indeed, in just about every case pending in Family Court, it is the children who simultaneously suffer the most and have the least ability to address the causes. And so their suffering is without purpose, without end and without justification. And the repercussions of this suffering are far too wide ranging to address here. Suffice to say, litigants in Family Court will not, as Mr. Brooks suggests, find the suffering they and their families endure there to be ennobling in any way. And this is why it is often safest and in the best interests of their families to put an end to it with all due haste.
David Brooks, a columnist for the New York Times, has crafted a beautiful essay that explores the purpose and result of suffering. The article can be found here. Mr. Brooks poses the question we have all considered at times in our lives which is: what is the point of my suffering.
Sadly, much of the suffering endured in the Family Court is self-inflicted. Parents who have come to despise one another inflict lifelong wounds on their children by continuing a battle for custody. Indeed, in just about every case pending in Family Court, it is the children who simultaneously suffer the most and have the least ability to address the causes. And so their suffering is without purpose, without end and without justification. And the repercussions of this suffering are far too wide ranging to address here. Suffice to say, litigants in Family Court will not, as Mr. Brooks suggests, find the suffering they and their families endure there to be ennobling in any way. And this is why it is often safest and in the best interests of their families to put an end to it with all due haste.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Sailing On the Rocky Seas of Child Neglect
Its a dream many of us have: sailing around the world, completely disconnected from cell phones, email, Twitter, Facebook, television and the thousands of other little distractions that make modern life seem like little more than an unending series of minor distractions and aggravations that constantly tug at our ever decreasing attention spans and, in the end, leave us almost feeling less than human. For Eric and Charlotte Kauffman, that dream became a reality when the boarded a sailboat in Mexico and headed for New Zealand. The fact that they never made it to New Zealand and instead had to be rescued by the U.S. Navy would have scarcely captured anyone's notice had they not taken their two children, Cora and Lyra, ages one and three respectively, with them. The entire story of the family's ordeal can be found here.
The firestorm of criticism set off by this case is both understandable and enlightening. To be sure, the Kauffmans took an enormous risk when they boarded that boat with two children who were utterly and totally dependent on their parents for virtually anything. In the event of an accident, the Kauffmans would not only have to figure out how to save themselves, but their children as well. But the case prompts more philosophical questions as well. Specifically, is the outrage against the Kauffmans at least, in part, fueled by the fact that they have chosen a different path in which to raise their children? Do we simultaneously envy and scorn their choice? These are difficult questions which different people will reach different conclusions to.
One might also consider that those who traveled west during the expansion of the American frontier took just as many, if not greater, chances with their children. They had no access to medical care and were faced daily with the prospect of starvation, dehydration and attack by wild animals. And yet we laud these people in our history books and elevate them to the status of heroes. Is what the Kauffmans did so entirely different? Their frontier was certainly different, but it offered similar potential for adventure and a life altogether different from the one that many of us choose, one that is filled with conveniences and safety. And, one that we frequently wish we could escape from.
Questions of a far less extreme example can be seen everyday in Family Court. For example, parents who decline medicine or transfusions on religious grounds pose similar and perhaps thornier questions. The point is that there is almost another side to the story, and quite often, it is important that that story not only be told, but understood by those responsible for casting judgment on persons charged with child neglect.
The firestorm of criticism set off by this case is both understandable and enlightening. To be sure, the Kauffmans took an enormous risk when they boarded that boat with two children who were utterly and totally dependent on their parents for virtually anything. In the event of an accident, the Kauffmans would not only have to figure out how to save themselves, but their children as well. But the case prompts more philosophical questions as well. Specifically, is the outrage against the Kauffmans at least, in part, fueled by the fact that they have chosen a different path in which to raise their children? Do we simultaneously envy and scorn their choice? These are difficult questions which different people will reach different conclusions to.
One might also consider that those who traveled west during the expansion of the American frontier took just as many, if not greater, chances with their children. They had no access to medical care and were faced daily with the prospect of starvation, dehydration and attack by wild animals. And yet we laud these people in our history books and elevate them to the status of heroes. Is what the Kauffmans did so entirely different? Their frontier was certainly different, but it offered similar potential for adventure and a life altogether different from the one that many of us choose, one that is filled with conveniences and safety. And, one that we frequently wish we could escape from.
Questions of a far less extreme example can be seen everyday in Family Court. For example, parents who decline medicine or transfusions on religious grounds pose similar and perhaps thornier questions. The point is that there is almost another side to the story, and quite often, it is important that that story not only be told, but understood by those responsible for casting judgment on persons charged with child neglect.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Child Abuse - Not Always What It Seems
Quite often, we make assumptions about the people who abuse their children. We assume they were bad people, were abused themselves as children, or otherwise fit into some pre-conceived stereotype. And the thing about stereotypes is that they are frequently true.
But there are times when the story does not fit the mold. Such is the story of Amanda Bishop, who left her two small children in a car whose inner temperature was in the 100s and climbing. The children were observed crying hysterically by a passer-by who called the police. The full story of Ms. Bishop can be found here.
But Ms. Bishop was not out at a nightclub, doing drugs or at her boyfriend's house. She was without childcare and at a job interview. It was her hope to get the job that would help lift her family out of years of poverty in which they had been mired. And while it is certainly never acceptable to leave small children unattended in a car, particularly on a hot day, one can begin to understand the reasons that led Ms. Bishop to this desperate act.
To be sure, there is plenty of cynicism in Family Courts across the country. However, having worked with hundreds and hundreds of families over the years, I have found that there is usually another side to the story. Articulating a parent's side of the story can and often does mean a world of difference in how a parent's abuse or neglect case turns out in the end.
But there are times when the story does not fit the mold. Such is the story of Amanda Bishop, who left her two small children in a car whose inner temperature was in the 100s and climbing. The children were observed crying hysterically by a passer-by who called the police. The full story of Ms. Bishop can be found here.
But Ms. Bishop was not out at a nightclub, doing drugs or at her boyfriend's house. She was without childcare and at a job interview. It was her hope to get the job that would help lift her family out of years of poverty in which they had been mired. And while it is certainly never acceptable to leave small children unattended in a car, particularly on a hot day, one can begin to understand the reasons that led Ms. Bishop to this desperate act.
To be sure, there is plenty of cynicism in Family Courts across the country. However, having worked with hundreds and hundreds of families over the years, I have found that there is usually another side to the story. Articulating a parent's side of the story can and often does mean a world of difference in how a parent's abuse or neglect case turns out in the end.
The Risk of Parental Alienation
As discussed in prior posts, parental alienation is an insidious tactic used by one parent against another to attempt to turn children against another parent. Custodial parents who do this should be aware of the enormous psychological and emotion trauma they inflict on their children. But aside from that, the Second Department has recently re-affirmed its fealty to the idea that a custodial parent who goes to such efforts to alienate a child from another parent runs the further risk of losing his or her right to child support. The full decision can be seen here.
In making this decision, the non-custodial parent who finds themselves alienated from the child now has a powerful weapon in their arsenal. They should not hesitate to use it.
In making this decision, the non-custodial parent who finds themselves alienated from the child now has a powerful weapon in their arsenal. They should not hesitate to use it.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Breaking the Cycle of Foster Care Through Education
It does not take an inordinate amount of insight nor a wealth of experience in Family Court to appreciate the fact that foster children generally are deprived of what most of us would consider a "normal" childhood. It is this life of severe, punitive and utterly undeserved deprivation that often results in foster children themselves growing up to become juvenile delinquents, criminal defendants and neglectful parents themselves. Having had the benefit of practicing in Family Court for nearly 20 years, I have been there long enough to have represented children placed in foster care, only to come across them again, years later, as either juvenile delinquents or respondents themselves in child abuse and neglect cases.
The ones I never see again, in court anyway, are generally the ones that, in spite of overwhelming odds, and without a great deal of outside support, demonstrate the grit, determination and will to get educations. As a general rule, it is often challenging enough to get many foster children through high school. But, as more fully discussed in an article in the New York Times here, some colleges are trying to get children in foster care to aspire to more than that by offering special programs that cater to their needs. These programs include counseling, support groups, programs for career development and, of course, financial aid. These are extremely laudable efforts by higher institutions which are trying to bring a previously deprived demographic into their academic fold.
What is also not commonly known is that as a foster child, the child is entitled to have the foster care agency contribute to the cost of a college education. Moreover, they can assist children in securing other financial assistance, housing, employment and a host of other services. And as more fully discussed here, that assistance does not end once the child is adopted.
Having a safe, secure home is obviously the top priority for an abused or neglected child. But once that child is safe, all of us who are charged with helping that child reach his or her fullest potential (judges, referees, case workers, social workers, therapists, attorneys for children, foster parents, etc.) must do more to bring that potential to fruition and, once and for all, break the cycle of foster care.
The ones I never see again, in court anyway, are generally the ones that, in spite of overwhelming odds, and without a great deal of outside support, demonstrate the grit, determination and will to get educations. As a general rule, it is often challenging enough to get many foster children through high school. But, as more fully discussed in an article in the New York Times here, some colleges are trying to get children in foster care to aspire to more than that by offering special programs that cater to their needs. These programs include counseling, support groups, programs for career development and, of course, financial aid. These are extremely laudable efforts by higher institutions which are trying to bring a previously deprived demographic into their academic fold.
What is also not commonly known is that as a foster child, the child is entitled to have the foster care agency contribute to the cost of a college education. Moreover, they can assist children in securing other financial assistance, housing, employment and a host of other services. And as more fully discussed here, that assistance does not end once the child is adopted.
Having a safe, secure home is obviously the top priority for an abused or neglected child. But once that child is safe, all of us who are charged with helping that child reach his or her fullest potential (judges, referees, case workers, social workers, therapists, attorneys for children, foster parents, etc.) must do more to bring that potential to fruition and, once and for all, break the cycle of foster care.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Mediation - Resolving Your Own Differences
There is little doubt among professionals who encounter custody and visitation cases, whether those professionals be judges, referees, lawyers, social workers or mediators, that the most qualified people to resolve these cases are the mother and father. Sometimes, however, the level of communication between the parties is less than ideal. At other times, one or both parties may not be entirely sure of what their legal rights and responsibilities are and therefore become reluctant to negotiate "in the dark." It is at times like these that an attorney and/or mediator can be of vital assistance in helping to bridge the gap between parties who are considering litigation.
At the very least mediation can help crystallize the issues that cannot be resolved without the need for litigation. Even this is a laudable goal since it will focus the scope of litigation and therefore reduce the time and expense. But more often, parents who have reasonable expectations can craft a workable plan without the need of litigation. This is usually ideal for both parties as it allows them to create a plan for parenting time that comports with their own schedules, rather than having a plan imposed on them by a third party stranger and then have to "make it work".
My advice to parents who are considering litigation is to take the time to meet with the other parent with the assistance of a qualified mediator. It is a small investment that will pay enormous financial, as well as emotional, dividends.
At the very least mediation can help crystallize the issues that cannot be resolved without the need for litigation. Even this is a laudable goal since it will focus the scope of litigation and therefore reduce the time and expense. But more often, parents who have reasonable expectations can craft a workable plan without the need of litigation. This is usually ideal for both parties as it allows them to create a plan for parenting time that comports with their own schedules, rather than having a plan imposed on them by a third party stranger and then have to "make it work".
My advice to parents who are considering litigation is to take the time to meet with the other parent with the assistance of a qualified mediator. It is a small investment that will pay enormous financial, as well as emotional, dividends.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Daddy Knows Best. . .Or Does He?
It is not something that is openly discussed in the courtroom. In fact, most judges and referees charged with hearing custody and visitation cases will usually deny it. But after practicing in a variety of counties in a variety of courtrooms, for nearly 20 years, I feel it is fairly safe to say that most judges and referees hearing custody cases, particularly those dealing with very young children, proceed with the assumption that the mother is better suited to meet a child's needs. Perhaps it is a historically based bias, but more and more, fathers are coming to court to assert their parental rights and are too frequently met with skepticism.
To be sure, there is sometimes cause for skepticism. There are quite a number of custody cases which are initiated by fathers whose singular purpose may be to avoid child support or to retaliate against their former partner. Unfortunately, even good fathers, or at least well intentioned ones, are forced to overcome this unspoken "presumption".
Knowing that is half the battle. The other half is preparation. A father genuinely seeking custody should be mentally and legally prepared to confront this presumption head on. From a practical standpoint, it means being able to demonstrate that you have been actively involved in every aspect of your child's life, and not just in the month or two prior to filing the petition. That would include attending doctor and dentist appointments, school functions and conferences, extracurricular activities, vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc. It should also include regular contact with the child other than the allotted "visits", or "parenting time" as it is more often referred to these days. With the availability of email, Skype and texting, fathers have no excuse whatsoever to not have regular contact with their children. But even when those resources are not available, writing regular letters is just as effective. To the extent a father seeking custody is lacking in one or more of these areas, it may be advisable to forestall making the application for custody until such time that the father can honestly say that he is fully involved and invested in his child's life, assuming circumstances permit.
If you are a new father or are unsure of the many issues dealing with parenting, there are ample on-line resources such as www.fathermag.com which can help you get started or enhance your experience as a father.
To be sure, there is sometimes cause for skepticism. There are quite a number of custody cases which are initiated by fathers whose singular purpose may be to avoid child support or to retaliate against their former partner. Unfortunately, even good fathers, or at least well intentioned ones, are forced to overcome this unspoken "presumption".
Knowing that is half the battle. The other half is preparation. A father genuinely seeking custody should be mentally and legally prepared to confront this presumption head on. From a practical standpoint, it means being able to demonstrate that you have been actively involved in every aspect of your child's life, and not just in the month or two prior to filing the petition. That would include attending doctor and dentist appointments, school functions and conferences, extracurricular activities, vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc. It should also include regular contact with the child other than the allotted "visits", or "parenting time" as it is more often referred to these days. With the availability of email, Skype and texting, fathers have no excuse whatsoever to not have regular contact with their children. But even when those resources are not available, writing regular letters is just as effective. To the extent a father seeking custody is lacking in one or more of these areas, it may be advisable to forestall making the application for custody until such time that the father can honestly say that he is fully involved and invested in his child's life, assuming circumstances permit.
If you are a new father or are unsure of the many issues dealing with parenting, there are ample on-line resources such as www.fathermag.com which can help you get started or enhance your experience as a father.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Sharing Your Divorce Experience With Your Community
The New York Times has a new, interesting section in which their readers can share their experiences which they went through in their divorces, including before, during and after. You can click here to be directed to the site.
It is an interesting notion that the Times has come up with because not everyone has the time, need or inclination to participate in therapy, whether individual or group. But what we learn from others who have gone through the process can be both enlightening and comforting. We can also learn how to avoid some of the mistakes that others made either with their children, families, or in court. It is always traumatic for any family to suffer through a divorce. Knowing that you are not alone, may make the process a little more tolerable.
It is an interesting notion that the Times has come up with because not everyone has the time, need or inclination to participate in therapy, whether individual or group. But what we learn from others who have gone through the process can be both enlightening and comforting. We can also learn how to avoid some of the mistakes that others made either with their children, families, or in court. It is always traumatic for any family to suffer through a divorce. Knowing that you are not alone, may make the process a little more tolerable.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
How Do I Get My Kids Back?
It is a jarring experience for any family to have a caseworker show up at your home and tell you that he or she is there to remove your children from your home. The reasons can vary widely: drug use, domestic violence, excessive corporal punishment, etc. But what matters most is getting them back. And one thing to keep in mind is that time is most certainly not on your side. As discussed in previous posts, with the implementation of the Adoption and Safe Families Act (A.S.F.A) which has been adopted by New York State, courts and state agencies are under strict time constraints as to how long they can allow a child to remain in foster care. As a general rule, any agency that keeps a child in foster care for 15 of the first 22 months following a removal must initiate a termination of parental rights cases. Those agencies that stray out of compliance with that requirement are often quickly pressured by judges and referees of the Family Court to commence those proceedings. Discretion and patience have essentially been factored out of the equation.
The following is not meant as a definitive set of actions you need to take but rather a guideline that will enable you to both get your children back as quickly as possible and to defend yourself should the agency deem it necessary to file a termination of parental rights (or even an abuse or neglect) proceeding against you:
1. Keep a meticulous diary of every interaction with the agency or your child(ren). This will prove vitally important at a trial as it will enable you to testify in great detail what efforts you made to have your child returned and comply with the agency's mandates without having to rely on memory alone.
2. Don't wait for agency representatives to contact you, call them constantly. If they do not return your call promptly, call them back. The caseworker assigned to your case no doubt has many, many cases he or she is dealing with. Be the squeaky wheel.
3. As soon as possible find out what services the agency wants you to engage in and make every effort to engage in those services immediately. Just enrolling in these services can be a daunting challenge but the agency has a affirmative responsibility to assist you with this. Make sure they do.
4. Visit with your children at every opportunity. I know this seems obvious, but most often it is a failure to visit regularly that serves as the primary, or at least one of, the bases to terminate your parental rights. It is no excuse that you had other things to do. Whatever else is going on in your life, even if it involves your services, visiting with your children consistently is vital.
5. Make sure you communicate with your attorney regularly and, in that vein, it is of critical importance that your attorney and the agency have up to date contact information for you.
Understand that while agencies may be quick to remove your child, they are not nearly as quick to return them and if your child has been removed from your home you can expect to have to fight for them to be returned. This means being able to show that you have planned for their return. Planning for your child's return requires, preparation, vigilance and consistency. Following the steps provided above and any others you can come up with, with the assistance of your attorney, will be a great start.
The following is not meant as a definitive set of actions you need to take but rather a guideline that will enable you to both get your children back as quickly as possible and to defend yourself should the agency deem it necessary to file a termination of parental rights (or even an abuse or neglect) proceeding against you:
1. Keep a meticulous diary of every interaction with the agency or your child(ren). This will prove vitally important at a trial as it will enable you to testify in great detail what efforts you made to have your child returned and comply with the agency's mandates without having to rely on memory alone.
2. Don't wait for agency representatives to contact you, call them constantly. If they do not return your call promptly, call them back. The caseworker assigned to your case no doubt has many, many cases he or she is dealing with. Be the squeaky wheel.
3. As soon as possible find out what services the agency wants you to engage in and make every effort to engage in those services immediately. Just enrolling in these services can be a daunting challenge but the agency has a affirmative responsibility to assist you with this. Make sure they do.
4. Visit with your children at every opportunity. I know this seems obvious, but most often it is a failure to visit regularly that serves as the primary, or at least one of, the bases to terminate your parental rights. It is no excuse that you had other things to do. Whatever else is going on in your life, even if it involves your services, visiting with your children consistently is vital.
5. Make sure you communicate with your attorney regularly and, in that vein, it is of critical importance that your attorney and the agency have up to date contact information for you.
Understand that while agencies may be quick to remove your child, they are not nearly as quick to return them and if your child has been removed from your home you can expect to have to fight for them to be returned. This means being able to show that you have planned for their return. Planning for your child's return requires, preparation, vigilance and consistency. Following the steps provided above and any others you can come up with, with the assistance of your attorney, will be a great start.
Friday, February 21, 2014
"Are You My Mom"?
A mother who had not seen her son since she gave him up for adoption over 50 years ago, finally met her son. The full story can be found here. The son's first words to his mother were "Are you my mom?"
It is a miraculous story. But more importantly, it is illustrative of a fundamental problem in the law that comes up quite frequently in cases in which an agency is seeking to terminate a person's parental rights. Ever since the Adoption and Safe Families Act (A.S.F.A.) was enacted in 1997 by the federal government, and subsequently adopted by New York State, there has been a push to achieve permanency in children's lives at all possible speed. This reaction was intended to prevent lingering stays in foster care that seemed to go on for years without any final resolution. More can be read about the law here.
However, a fundamental principle is often lost here. The bond between parent and child can and often does transcend time. This problem is most notable when a parent is incarcerated and the court seems willing to terminate parental rights almost on that fact alone because the parent has not been around. Similarly, the abandonment cases give rise to the same issues. What the law ignores is that in many situations, time can have a beneficial effect. Parents who either could not or did not have the wherewithal to be parents can develop into wonderful parents, all the stronger for the hard lessons they have learned. And a child's need to be with that parent can be profound.
It is one thing to find that someone has permanently neglected or abandoned a child. But in the dispositional phases of those cases, courts need to consider more carefully their willingness to sever that precious tie.
It is a miraculous story. But more importantly, it is illustrative of a fundamental problem in the law that comes up quite frequently in cases in which an agency is seeking to terminate a person's parental rights. Ever since the Adoption and Safe Families Act (A.S.F.A.) was enacted in 1997 by the federal government, and subsequently adopted by New York State, there has been a push to achieve permanency in children's lives at all possible speed. This reaction was intended to prevent lingering stays in foster care that seemed to go on for years without any final resolution. More can be read about the law here.
However, a fundamental principle is often lost here. The bond between parent and child can and often does transcend time. This problem is most notable when a parent is incarcerated and the court seems willing to terminate parental rights almost on that fact alone because the parent has not been around. Similarly, the abandonment cases give rise to the same issues. What the law ignores is that in many situations, time can have a beneficial effect. Parents who either could not or did not have the wherewithal to be parents can develop into wonderful parents, all the stronger for the hard lessons they have learned. And a child's need to be with that parent can be profound.
It is one thing to find that someone has permanently neglected or abandoned a child. But in the dispositional phases of those cases, courts need to consider more carefully their willingness to sever that precious tie.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Bound to a Loveless Marriage
It is hard for many of us to imagine that in the 21st century, there are still people who through religion, cultural, social or familial issues feel they have no choice but to stay in a marriage. There is an interesting story today in the New York Times, and one that I have literally heard firsthand from numerous members of the Orthodox Jewish community. The story can be found here. It is a story about, among other things, the way a woman in the Orthodox Jewish community found her way into a marriage without really knowing the man she was marrying and finding great difficulty trying to extricate herself from that relationship. Sadly, this is not a story unique to Orthodox Jews. Women in particular, but sometimes men, have reported feeling obligated to remain in marriages or relationships because of the pressure being brought to bear on them by pastors, ministers, rabbis, etc. Just as often, however, the pressure comes from parents, friends and others in our social circles. Make no mistake, the pressures these people feel is both tangible and sometimes crushing.
It is often helpful to these people to find someone outside of these networks or circles of influence to speak to. It may be a friend, a therapist, or even an attorney.
Of course, there are many reasons people choose to stay in loveless marriages/relationships: convenience, children, economics, etc. But when these relationships veer into abusive behavior, it is during these times that the pressures, wherever they are coming from, become unbearable. What's more, the abuse adds a whole new dimension of emotional trauma which can complicate the situation even more.
If you or someone you know finds themselves in such a situation, it is critically important that outside help be sought. A therapist can offer a tremendous amount of support, both emotional and by way of referrals to agencies or individuals that can offer other types of assistance. Attorneys too can help show people who feel trapped in these situations a way out. At the very least, they can provide them with invaluable information about what their rights and options are. Often, as with my office, these consultations cost nothing more than your time. But it is time well spent.
You can also click here for help in reaching many New York State Domestic Violence Hotlines.
In short, there are many, many options for people stuck in relationships or marriages whether the reason is social stigma, domestic violence or any of the countless reasons in between. But there is no reason to suffer through these emotionally trying situations alone.
It is often helpful to these people to find someone outside of these networks or circles of influence to speak to. It may be a friend, a therapist, or even an attorney.
Of course, there are many reasons people choose to stay in loveless marriages/relationships: convenience, children, economics, etc. But when these relationships veer into abusive behavior, it is during these times that the pressures, wherever they are coming from, become unbearable. What's more, the abuse adds a whole new dimension of emotional trauma which can complicate the situation even more.
If you or someone you know finds themselves in such a situation, it is critically important that outside help be sought. A therapist can offer a tremendous amount of support, both emotional and by way of referrals to agencies or individuals that can offer other types of assistance. Attorneys too can help show people who feel trapped in these situations a way out. At the very least, they can provide them with invaluable information about what their rights and options are. Often, as with my office, these consultations cost nothing more than your time. But it is time well spent.
You can also click here for help in reaching many New York State Domestic Violence Hotlines.
In short, there are many, many options for people stuck in relationships or marriages whether the reason is social stigma, domestic violence or any of the countless reasons in between. But there is no reason to suffer through these emotionally trying situations alone.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Another Chilling Reminder
While not necessarily a topic that comes up in Family Court all that often, it is one that concerns parents all over the world. It is, in essence, every parent's worse nightmare: a child abduction that leads to a child's death.
NBC News reported here that a 10 year old girl, Hailey Owens, was found dead in the home of the suspected killer, Craig Wood, a forty five year old man who was also an "athletic coach" at a school in which he was also employed as a paraprofessional, someone who works specifically with children with severe special needs.
As someone who has served as a coach for my own children's sports teams, this is even more jarring incident. But in every tragedy all we can hope for is to try to learn what we can so that we might bring at least some meaning to an otherwise senseless act. In that sense, we can learn that we can scarcely be too careful with our most important treasures and that it is always best to err on the side of caution rather than have to spend a lifetime confronting the overwhelming guilt that comes from repeatedly asking. . ."What if. . .?" Of course, we want to grant our children some independence as Hailey's parents did by letting her walk to a friend's home by herself. But stories such as these make us second guess those decisions and make us reluctant to grant that independence. In the process, we try to hold on, and control, and supervise our children later and later in their lives. As a result, we risk raising sheltered, frightful children who are hesitant to act for themselves.
Surely, there is a middle ground, but this case imposes a tremendous burden upon all of society because it makes us question not only when we should grant that independence, but perhaps even worse, makes us question our collective decision as parents to trust even those we supposedly and are socially programmed to trust, teachers, religious leaders, coaches, club leaders, and, ultimately, family members.
I have and will continue to try to find the right balance between granting independence and making sure my children are safe. All we can do, is hope the lessons we try to teach our children will be enough to save them.
NBC News reported here that a 10 year old girl, Hailey Owens, was found dead in the home of the suspected killer, Craig Wood, a forty five year old man who was also an "athletic coach" at a school in which he was also employed as a paraprofessional, someone who works specifically with children with severe special needs.
As someone who has served as a coach for my own children's sports teams, this is even more jarring incident. But in every tragedy all we can hope for is to try to learn what we can so that we might bring at least some meaning to an otherwise senseless act. In that sense, we can learn that we can scarcely be too careful with our most important treasures and that it is always best to err on the side of caution rather than have to spend a lifetime confronting the overwhelming guilt that comes from repeatedly asking. . ."What if. . .?" Of course, we want to grant our children some independence as Hailey's parents did by letting her walk to a friend's home by herself. But stories such as these make us second guess those decisions and make us reluctant to grant that independence. In the process, we try to hold on, and control, and supervise our children later and later in their lives. As a result, we risk raising sheltered, frightful children who are hesitant to act for themselves.
Surely, there is a middle ground, but this case imposes a tremendous burden upon all of society because it makes us question not only when we should grant that independence, but perhaps even worse, makes us question our collective decision as parents to trust even those we supposedly and are socially programmed to trust, teachers, religious leaders, coaches, club leaders, and, ultimately, family members.
I have and will continue to try to find the right balance between granting independence and making sure my children are safe. All we can do, is hope the lessons we try to teach our children will be enough to save them.
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