Foster Care - Hard on Foster Care Parents Too

A wonderful article about what foster parents go through when a foster child leaves their home appeared today in the New York Times.  The article can be found here.

In Family Court, the longer a child stays in foster care, the more inclined a court is to terminate a parent's parental rights.  The logic behind this is that children who spend a considerable period of time in a foster home, especially those placed in foster care at a young age, develop significant bonds with their foster parents and disrupting those bonds usually proves harmful to the children.

Rarely, if ever, do we stop to consider the harm that is done to the foster parent who has also developed a bond with the child.  To be sure, family reunification is a laudable goal. And foster parents know what they are getting themselves into and assume the risk of "losing" a child to a parent that overcomes whatever challenges led to the removal of their children.  But that does not necessarily make the pain accompanied with the loss any less tangible.

It takes a person of enormous strength of character to voluntarily become a foster parent.  It is a daunting task to reassemble the pieces of a broken child.  Having accomplished that, one hopes, it is profoundly difficult to let that child go knowing that the work that was done may be yet again undone.  More importantly, it is even harder to let go of those we love.  And, ultimately, that is what it takes to be a successful foster parent and from whence all other necessary attributes such as empathy, patience and kindness flow. . . love.

Child Abuse - More to the Story

An article in the New York Times today reported that a mother was being charged with murder in the death of her 7 week old child.  The article can be found here.

Buried in the last paragraph of the article is the fact that the woman was being treated in a hospital for a suicide attempt.  Also mentioned in the article is that her husband is the person actually believed to have murdered the child.  The point here is obviously not to excuse the parents' behavior.  Rather, the hope is to understand that there are often underlying reasons for why people do (or fail to do) certain things.  In this particular case, it may very well be that the mother (and the father) suffer from a serious mental illness.

To the extent that a child abuse or neglect case is brought against a parent, prosecuting agencies and the courts are often overly focused on the result of the neglect or abuse.  However, unlike criminal court, the family court is not, in theory anyway, a place designed to punish parents but to reunify families, to the extent possible.  For the family in today's article, that is obviously not a feasible reality.  But for most non-fatal abuse and nearly all neglects, there is usually a measure of hope.  The extent of that hope depends on several factors.  The most important of these factors is the parent's willingness to identify the underlying cause of the problem and their determination to address that problem forthrightly.  A dedicated team of advocates including social workers, attorneys, therapists, case workers and the like can make a great deal of difference in bringing that goal to a reality.

Life as a Foster Child

No matter how long I spend in Family Court, I have never grown accustomed or indifferent to the idea of a child being separated from his or her family.  And yet, each child's experience with this wrenching reality is different.  Take, for example, the story of one girl who is having trouble adjusting to foster care.  The video can be seen here.  It is a remarkable story of the inner workings of a mind of a child going through this momentous ordeal. 

At the end of the day, it is almost inconceivable to imagine the pain, guilt, confusion, frustration and heartbreak that confront these children.  But on top of all that is the death blow to a child's sense of self worth that can sometimes be too much to bear. 

I urge all of you to take the time to watch the video and get a glimpse into the mind and heart of a child facing the prospect of foster care.

Sailing On the Rocky Seas of Child Neglect

Its a dream many of us have: sailing around the world, completely disconnected from cell phones, email, Twitter, Facebook, television and the thousands of other little distractions that make modern life seem like little more than an unending series of minor distractions and aggravations that constantly tug at our ever decreasing attention spans and, in the end, leave us almost feeling less than human.  For Eric and Charlotte Kauffman, that dream became a reality when the boarded a sailboat in Mexico and headed for New Zealand.  The fact that they never made it to New Zealand and instead had to be rescued by the U.S. Navy would have scarcely captured anyone's notice had they not taken their two children, Cora and Lyra, ages one and three respectively, with them.  The entire story of the family's ordeal can be found here. 

The firestorm of criticism set off by this case is both understandable and enlightening.  To be sure, the Kauffmans took an enormous risk when they boarded that boat with two children who were utterly and totally dependent on their parents for virtually anything.  In the event of an accident, the Kauffmans would not only have to figure out how to save themselves, but their children as well.  But the case prompts more philosophical questions as well.  Specifically, is the outrage against the Kauffmans at least, in part, fueled by the fact that they have chosen a different path in which to raise their children?  Do we simultaneously envy and scorn their choice?  These are difficult questions which different people will reach different conclusions to.

One might also consider that those who traveled west during the expansion of the American frontier took just as many, if not greater, chances with their children.  They had no access to medical care and were faced daily with the prospect of starvation, dehydration and attack by wild animals.  And yet we laud these people in our history books and elevate them to the status of heroes.  Is what the Kauffmans did so entirely different?  Their frontier was certainly different, but it offered similar potential for adventure and a life altogether different from the one that many of us choose, one that is filled with conveniences and safety.  And, one that we frequently wish we could escape from. 

Questions of a far less extreme example can be seen everyday in Family Court.  For example, parents who decline medicine or transfusions on religious grounds pose similar and perhaps thornier questions.  The point is that there is almost another side to the story, and quite often, it is important that that story not only be told, but understood by those responsible for casting judgment on persons charged with child neglect.

Child Abuse - Not Always What It Seems

Quite often, we make assumptions about the people who abuse their children.  We assume they were bad people, were abused themselves as children, or otherwise fit into some pre-conceived stereotype.  And the thing about stereotypes is that they are frequently true. 

But there are times when the story does not fit the mold.  Such is the story of Amanda Bishop, who left her two small children in a car whose inner temperature was in the 100s and climbing.  The children were observed crying hysterically by a passer-by who called the police.  The full story of Ms. Bishop can be found here. 

But Ms. Bishop was not out at a nightclub, doing drugs or at her boyfriend's house.  She was without childcare and at a job interview.  It was her hope to get the job that would help lift her family out of years of poverty in which they had been mired.  And while it is certainly never acceptable to leave small children unattended in a car, particularly on a hot day, one can begin to understand the reasons that led Ms. Bishop to this desperate act. 

To be sure, there is plenty of cynicism in Family Courts across the country.  However, having worked with hundreds and hundreds of families over the years, I have found that there is usually another side to the story.  Articulating a parent's side of the story can and often does mean a world of difference in how a parent's abuse or neglect case turns out in the end. 

Breaking the Cycle of Foster Care Through Education

It does not take an inordinate amount of insight nor a wealth of experience in Family Court to appreciate the fact that foster children generally are deprived of what most of us would consider a "normal" childhood.  It is this life of severe, punitive and utterly undeserved deprivation that often results in foster children themselves growing up to become juvenile delinquents, criminal defendants and neglectful parents themselves.  Having had the benefit of practicing in Family Court for nearly 20 years, I have been there long enough to have represented children placed in foster care, only to come across them again, years later, as either juvenile delinquents or respondents themselves in child abuse and neglect cases. 

The ones I never see again, in court anyway, are generally the ones that, in spite of overwhelming odds, and without a great deal of outside support, demonstrate the grit, determination and will to get educations.  As a general rule, it is often challenging enough to get many foster children through high school.  But, as more fully discussed in an article in the New York Times here, some colleges are trying to get children in foster care to aspire to more than that by offering special programs that cater to their needs.  These programs include counseling, support groups, programs for career development and, of course, financial aid.  These are extremely laudable efforts by higher institutions which are trying to bring a previously deprived demographic into their academic fold. 

What is also not commonly known is that as a foster child, the child is entitled to have the foster care agency contribute to the cost of a college education.  Moreover, they can assist children in securing other financial assistance, housing, employment and a host of other services.  And as more fully discussed here, that assistance does not end once the child is adopted. 

Having a safe, secure home is obviously the top priority for an abused or neglected child.  But once that child is safe, all of us who are charged with helping that child reach his or her fullest potential (judges, referees, case workers, social workers, therapists, attorneys for children, foster parents, etc.) must do more to bring that potential to fruition and, once and for all, break the cycle of foster care.