Domestic Violence - Seeing the Signs

An article in the New York Times today reports that a man from Queens is being sought in the shooting death of his girlfriend.  The article can be found here.

Sadly, this story is a historically familiar one.  A man, most likely suffering from some undiagnosed mental health illness, becomes increasingly jealous, whether of real or perceived threats to his relationship with a woman.  His jealously becomes so consuming that he begins to act differently. Hostile.  Unpredictable.  Angry.  Accusatory.

And yet.  Just days before she was shot and killed the victim in today's story expressed no concerns for her own safety.  Indeed, in 20 years of practicing in the Family Courts, I have frequently encountered women who have expressed little to no concern for their safety even after they have been victims of serious domestic violence.  To be sure, many suffer from battered woman's syndrome.

However, just as many fail to appreciate or understand that there is help everywhere.  The Family Court was designed to aid victims of domestic violence by issuing orders of protection that can be crafted to direct abusers from remaining away from the victim.  There are domestic violence shelters all throughout the city.  For example, an organization called Safe Horizons helps hundreds of victims of domestic violence each year and assists them in finding appropriate shelters.

Unfortunately, many victims of domestic violence have told me things such as "It was just a slap" or "I wasn't like I was bruised or bleeding."  This is a dangerous slope because, in truth, once an abuser manifests the intention to act out his or her aggression, a threshold has been permanently crossed and rarely, if ever, is that the last time they will act out in that fashion, the fervent hopes of the victims notwithstanding.

That is not to say, of course, that the abusers cannot be helped.  There are plenty of options for them to seek help as well.  For example, the Forestdale Father's Initiative offers wonderful programs to address the abusers' side of domestic violence.

Finally, it is worth pointing out that there are as many kinds of victims of domestic violence as there are abusers.  I have simply tailored this post to the most common scenario where a woman is being abused by a man.  But the reverse happens surprisingly often and there are also same sex couples who experience the ills of domestic violence.  Whatever the configuration of your family, ignoring or minimizing the problem will not help.  Seek the aid of an attorney qualified to work in the family court.  Or, if that step seems too daunting, contact your local precinct.

Child Abuse - More to the Story

An article in the New York Times today reported that a mother was being charged with murder in the death of her 7 week old child.  The article can be found here.

Buried in the last paragraph of the article is the fact that the woman was being treated in a hospital for a suicide attempt.  Also mentioned in the article is that her husband is the person actually believed to have murdered the child.  The point here is obviously not to excuse the parents' behavior.  Rather, the hope is to understand that there are often underlying reasons for why people do (or fail to do) certain things.  In this particular case, it may very well be that the mother (and the father) suffer from a serious mental illness.

To the extent that a child abuse or neglect case is brought against a parent, prosecuting agencies and the courts are often overly focused on the result of the neglect or abuse.  However, unlike criminal court, the family court is not, in theory anyway, a place designed to punish parents but to reunify families, to the extent possible.  For the family in today's article, that is obviously not a feasible reality.  But for most non-fatal abuse and nearly all neglects, there is usually a measure of hope.  The extent of that hope depends on several factors.  The most important of these factors is the parent's willingness to identify the underlying cause of the problem and their determination to address that problem forthrightly.  A dedicated team of advocates including social workers, attorneys, therapists, case workers and the like can make a great deal of difference in bringing that goal to a reality.

Juvenile Delinquents - Never Safe

It is a sad testament to the juvenile detention system in NY when kids headed for detention are not even safe from those charged with caring for them.  In a story in the Daily News, a Brooklyn man whose sole job was to see to the safety of teens in the juvenile detention system, was arrested for sexually assaulting 3 teen girls in his care.  There article can be found here.

To be sure, the young people who find themselves facing incarceration have contributed to their own fates.  They have made poor choices whether by deeds or choice of friends.  But there is a reason that NY law requires Family Court's to choose the "least restrictive alternative" when considering what to do with a child who has been found guilty of committing a crime.  That reason is rehabilitation. Indeed, the driving purpose of the entire system is supposed to be designed to craft solutions which will best serve these children' s long term best interests.

However, when children are victimized by either staff or fellow "inmates" in these facilities, the desired rehabilitation is near impossible to achieve.  Whether better oversight of the facilities or a stricter selection process in the hiring of staff, or both, would have prevented this situation is unknown.  But it is the least we can do to help children who find themselves in this manner of crisis.

Living Close to The Ex - For the Child's Sake

There is nothing about custody disputes that is easy.  Indeed, even when the parents remain somewhat amicable, complications tend to arise.  However, one of the hurdles parents often confront is transporting the children over great distances when one of the parents moves away.  The distance alone makes equitable parenting time for each side difficult.

As a result, some parents have opted to stay close to their children (and the ex), sometimes as close as the same house or apartment building. In a recent article in the New York Times, several parents discussed how they were able to make this work.  The article can be found here.

This is a testament to the timeless fact that there is no better people qualified to craft a fair resolution to custody disputes than the parents.  Specifically, parents are not bound by legalities.  They can do things courts cannot order, such as live near their co-parent to facilitate a plethora of issues such as parenting time, child care and getting the child(ren) to their extra-curricular activities.

It is always best to exhaust every possible opportunity to settle your case without the court so that more flexible (and therefore workable) situations can be worked out with the least amount of emotional stress.