Daddy Knows Best. . .Or Does He?

It is not something that is openly discussed in the courtroom.  In fact, most judges and referees charged with hearing custody and visitation cases will usually deny it.  But after practicing in a variety of counties in a variety of courtrooms, for nearly 20 years, I feel it is fairly safe to say that most judges and referees hearing custody cases, particularly those dealing with very young children, proceed with the assumption that the mother is better suited to meet a child's needs.  Perhaps it is a historically based bias, but more and more, fathers are coming to court to assert their parental rights and are too frequently met with skepticism.

To be sure, there is sometimes cause for skepticism.  There are quite a number of custody cases which are initiated by fathers whose singular purpose may be to avoid child support or to retaliate against their former partner.  Unfortunately, even good fathers, or at least well intentioned ones, are forced to overcome this unspoken "presumption". 

Knowing that is half the battle.  The other half is preparation.  A father genuinely seeking custody should be mentally and legally prepared to confront this presumption head on.  From a practical standpoint, it means being able to demonstrate that you have been actively involved in every aspect of your child's life, and not just in the month or two prior to filing the petition.  That would include attending doctor and dentist appointments, school functions and conferences, extracurricular activities, vacations, birthdays, holidays, etc.  It should also include regular contact with the child other than the allotted "visits", or "parenting time" as it is more often referred to these days.  With the availability of email, Skype and texting, fathers have no excuse whatsoever to not have regular contact with their children.  But even when those resources are not available, writing regular letters is just as effective.  To the extent a father seeking custody is lacking in one or more of these areas, it may be advisable to forestall making the application for custody until such time that the father can honestly say that he is fully involved and invested in his child's life, assuming circumstances permit. 

If you are a new father or are unsure of the many issues dealing with parenting, there are ample on-line resources such as www.fathermag.com which can help you get started or enhance your experience as a father. 

Sharing Your Divorce Experience With Your Community

The New York Times has a new, interesting section in which their readers can share their experiences which they went through in their divorces, including before, during and after.  You can click here to be directed to the site. 

It is an interesting notion that the Times has come up with because not everyone has the time, need or inclination to participate in therapy, whether individual or group.  But what we learn from others who have gone through the process can be both enlightening and comforting.  We can also learn how to avoid some of the mistakes that others made either with their children, families, or in court.  It is always traumatic for any family to suffer through a divorce.  Knowing that you are not alone, may make the process a little more tolerable.